certaininequities | IC Inbox for Ryslig

[Peter at best manages a few steps further, just looking at everything. He exhales slowly, tipping his head back as he listens to the sounds of Queens. It feels alive, eletric with activity. He can hear people going about their lives in the neighborhood.

If he pretends, if he just pretends...

Then Norman speaks, breaking the silence between them. The teenager turns back to the man. Peter doesn't interrupt, just soaking in Norman's words.]

I wish you had told me sooner. [It's an echo of words said to Otto. Not exact, but a simple enough statement. He does wish it had come before the goblin appeared, so the goblin hadn't been armed with so many secrets. So, he hadn't been able to hurt Otto and everyone else so badly.

Peter wishes none of it had happened, but wishes don't really mean much here and now.

What would May want? That's a question Peter ask himself. May never held a grudge, even when it was seemingly deserved. Peter never really could either. ~~Like mother like son~~]

There is... a part of me that won't forgive you, not for a long time. May is- May shouldn't have died. I don't want to believe it. I'd rather be dead, it should have been me, not her.

I know- I know Goblin isn't you, but this is... so much. I'm so tired of everything being torn away from me as soon as I feel okay or safe.

[He rubs at his eyes a little, unable to keep tears from stinging at his eyes. He hesitates before placing his hand over the top of Norman's own.]

I still love you too. That hasn't changed. It's why I even- I even wanted to celebrate father's day with you.

Peter -!

[it's just one quiet protest, when he says he should have died and not May. then he holds himself back, and gives the boy space to talk. he nods, his face crinkling with sympathy and remorse. when Peter starts to cry, Norman squints, hating to see him in pain ...

and then Peter reciprocates, and suddenly they're both crying. Norman wraps his arms around Peter, pulling him into a gentle hug]

Every single thing you feel is valid, but one, and it's the only thing I'll correct you on: no one should have died.

[he steps back, not wanting to prolong the contact for so long that he frightens Peter or puts him back in any sort of place where he feels threatened.]

Peter, you're so good. I see so much of her in you: that kind heart, the compassion, all those things that He tried to spin as weakness ... I know the truth, I see them as so much strength. And I - I want to be more like you both. Which is why I'm askin' you to hold on to that anger. Keep it safe, in a special place somewhere. Take it out and show it to me if I'm being anything less than what you want me to be. What I should be.

[Peter sniffles a little, tears starting to freely spill down his cheeks. He can't stop the tears now. He wishes he could.

He squeezes Norman gently before the man pulls away completely.] Yeah, I- I guess that's fair. No one should have died. [If he had been stronger, he could have achieved that.

He nods tearfully at that. He wipes at his eyes a little.] I can't say it'll be anger, but... I can remind you, if need be.

I just want everything to be okay.

Oh, Peter ...
'
[that does it, that wasn't nearly enough hug for him now that he's crying. Norman goes in for another one and just ... holds him, this time.]

It will be. We all care about each other too much for it not to.

[he keeps his voice soft, soothing, as he reaches up and strokes his hair, the way he did when they were in that comfortable pile, the last good memory before it all fell apart. maybe he's trying to pull that forward into the present, to keep it alive. maybe he's reaffirming that it never actually died, even though both of them did.]

You let out as much of that as you need to. It's okay.

[as he says it, some little lock inside him clicks open. a piece of green armor falls away and corrodes into dust]

[There is no fight against the hug. Maybe a brief surprise at another hug, but the surprise melts away. He leans into the hug. He presses his face best he can against Norman's shoulder.

Peter weakly laughs, tears leaving a wet trail down the fur on his cheeks.]

I've cried too much already... I- I didn't even see her die and- [He chokes on the next sentiment, unable to finish it.] It's not fair, it's not fair.

No -

[his voice breaks, grieving right along with Peter. he'd liked May, himself, genuinely felt so grateful to her. she'd changed him, even before she'd talked Peter into curing them all]

- no, it's not, and I wish I knew what to say about that.

[the sounds of the city go on around them, unabated, even though there's not another actual person in sight. it's eerie, and yet somehow fitting. alone in their grief, but surrounded by life.]

I just... I want her back.

[Peter's breath shakes as he just holds onto Norman. His hold whilst desperate is still careful out of old instincts.

He sucks in a breath, trying to swallow back tears. It isn't working. He goes quiet after his words, just soaking in the silence as he holds onto Norman. The two standing in silence together in the low sounds of Queens.]

[he lets Peter take as much of that silence as he needs. reaching up to rub his back a little. being ... the sort of person he was invited here to be, in an oblique sort of sense. a father figure. he knows he has to earn the right, that Peter has to give him that title himself. but he's trying so desperately to make up for all the ways that the Goblin hurt the poor boy. he knows he will never fully separate himself from the embodiment of every dark thought in his mind and soul ... that he has to work past that, to work hard.

but this is part of the work, isn't it? walking the talk. Being Better. he hopes Peter will understand and allow that, even if it's only in small moments like this. his voice shakes as he responds]

So do I. ... I know it's not worth much, but ... she'd be so proud of you, Peter. Of how hard you're trying. That you're still doing your best despite everything.

[he swallows hard]

I know I am.

It... It helps to hear. [Peter wants to believe that. He wants to believe that desperately, that May is proud of him. That she doesn't regret letting him be Spider-Man, or regret even keeping him around.]

I can tell that you're doing your best. I'm glad you're still here, I'm- [He runs out of steam verbally, just drawing back after a moment from the hug.

He's already emotionally tired. Seeing Queens hurt as much as it helped.]

[Norman steps back as well, watching him with concern, even as his own eyes are a little red and tired. He has a feeling it's time for a change of subject, so he gestures for Peter to follow him down the street, get them moving. he gives Peter a moment to calm down, and when he speaks again, the way he asks the question has a sort of unspoken out to it: a lilt that suggests Peter doesn't have to answer yet, or even at all.]

How's living with Bruno treating you? Are you still at Solsikke?

[He follows Norman without complaint, his gaze shifting across Queens. Peter needs the quiet to sort himself out. Just to focus on breathing.

Peter is well, Peter. He answers honestly enough.]

I- after Otto came back, we talked and I went home with him. I didn't want to intrude on Bruno's hospitality.

I'm sure he wouldn't have minded a bit, but ... I'm also glad you're back with Otto. I've been worried about both of you.

[what he won't say is written clearly on his face, if Peter should happen to look: he misses it there. he misses them. Reira, Sonic, Ray and Dib, too. but this isn't the time or place to push such things].

I'm sure Reira was glad to see you, too. And Dib.

Yeah, I'm sure he would've been okay with it, but I just... well, I wanted to go home. [He also managed to anger Isabela, and Peter isn't going to overstay a welcome after he's tanked things. He isn't as anxious about her reaction, but he isn't going to prod at it either.] We've- well, I've been worrying about you too. I know you can take care of yourself, but... I- yeah.

[He doesn't want to speak for Otto. He doesn't want to make the situation weird. He rubs at the back of his neck nervously.]

You ...

[the fact that Peter still has the capacity to be concerned for him after everything is touching, almost painfully so. Norman looks up at the sky to keep from tearing up, and notices that the Cube even accounts for a few pigeons fluttering by]

Awh, Peter. I appreciate it, I do. But I'm waiting to hear from Reira. She's the one who invited me there in the first place, and it's her house: so it's ultimately up to her.

Like... what happened is still a lot. It doesn't negate how I feel about you? I care about you and Otto a lot.

[Peter nods slowly, though the gesture is a bit lost given Norman is focused elsewhere, so the teenager speaks.] Yeah, of course. It's her decision. Whatever she says goes, since we're all kinda just living in her house rent free.

I'm just glad you're at least doing okay, taking care of yourself and everything.

I've got ... a surprising amount of people making sure that I do.

[he looks back down at Peter, studying him with a parent's keen eye]

What about you?

[Peter blinks at the reversal of the question. He scrunches his nose a little unhappily. Unintentionally sounding a bit defensive.]

I- yeah, I am. Why wouldn't I be?

[Unsurprisingly, he's pouring more time into being Spider-Man where he can.]

Hm.

[he knows that little defensive edge all too well from years of talks with Harry, but this isn't about homework and video games. this is a little heavier. and he's got to go at this a much different way than he used to.]

Wasn't suggesting you weren't. I just remember that when I was your age, and things happened that shook my life around, a friend of mine used to have to remind me to get out and see the sun once in a while. Mind you, I think his exact words were usually something like "Goddammit, Osborn, pull your head out of your ass and come to this dumb thing of Allan's with me so I don't have to suffer alone".

[Was that an on-point if feeble J. Jonah Jameson impression> Absolutely. Still, he squints at Peter, smiling in that wily way]

Then again, I've been hearing some chatter here and there, on my errands. It seems quite a few people are saying someone named Spider-man has been keeping a few human hoodlums in line. Y'wouldn't know anything about that, would'ja?

[oh God, Norman, why did you wink, you idiot]

[The impression earns a short exhale from the teenager, an attempt at a laugh. Not much of one.] Well, Chiaki helps me. You and Otto too.

Even Beck was being all... fussy I guess. [He loosely crosses his arms over his chest. His mind mulls over the conversation from the network when Norman announced their deaths. It still stuck with him sometimes.] So, I'm okay. People are looking out for me.

Well... [He fidgets slightly.] Yeah, I mean- someone needs to take care of Bavan, right?

Edited (words hard, brain empty) 2022-07-25 18:45 (UTC)

I would think it's not a one-spider job. Please let me help you however I can.

[the mention of Beck, though ... makes him remember he wanted to ask]

Our meeting in the Cube was pretty enlightening, you know. Quentin and I. ... I think he deserves the same chance you gave Otto and I. But it's... not gonna be easy.

I will. I'm just trying to cover as much of Bavan as a I can in an hour, its not what I want it to be but... [He trails off with a shrug not sure where to go with the thought.

Mention of Beck makes the teenager audibly sigh.] I want to offer him like... a truce, but I dunno if he'd even take it.

Then why don't you ask for help? I'm sure that there are folks who would be interested. There's a whole organization devoted to volunteering, after all.

[it's not a scolding, at all: it's a gentle encouragement]

People need support networks, Peter. You and Otto have proven that to me more than anything: I'm just reminding you of your own wisdom.

[he nods as they shift back to discussing Quentin: he is trying not to think of him as Beck, that seemed disrespectful now, almost dismissive]

I don't think he's ready yet, no. He can't lie anymore, so ... he admitted to me that he's looking for someone to connect to, who understands what he's been through and supports him. The trouble is, I do. My board of directors treated me quite like that Toby Stark fella treated him. [he holds up a hand, anticipating a reaction]

I know Stark meant a lot to you, and I'm not trying to undermine that just for Quentin's sake. But if anything, I also know everyone is imperfect, and business owners can get so tied up in details and tunnel vision that they miss things that matter, do damage they don't realize. I'd say he needs time to process things, but I'm just as worried that they won't process so much as fester.

Last time I worked on a team, it didn't go super great. [Oh Avengers, oh your folly.] I'll think about it? I mostly wanted to work with Chiaki, but I don't wanna just drop all that on her. I'm used to like... super hero-ing alone.

[Peter is just solidly torn on Beck, the man had tried to help Peter feel better as much as he yelled at Peter.

The mention of Tony makes Peter bristle a little on principle, especially since Beck is involved. What had Beck been telling people about Tony?]

His grudge against Tony is the reason he decided to kill people as Mysterio. He couldn't get over being fired and decided to take it out on everyone else. He built a team specifically for it too. [Peter had gotten hints about that much from Beck.] I'm sorry he had a rough time, I'm not going to write him off, but- I'm not going to be fine with what he decided to do because he was slighted.

I'm not going to believe him about Tony. You really shouldn't either. Tony wasn't perfect, but he helped me. He saved everyone from Thanos. He died, he died to save everyone.

[Some part of Peter wishes someone else had taken the gauntlet. He knows it's selfish, but it's a thought he can't always get rid of.]

You don't seem like the type to hold a grudge against a concept forever. Besides, if you do decide to start a team, it's yours, no one else's. You can take your time, vet people, you don't have to make any decisions right away. Especially if you have someone whose opinions you already trust to help - like, say, Otto.

[he's still a little hesitant to volunteer himself.]

But we don't have to talk about all that if you don't want to. ... I feel like maybe I should share what I know with you. I took it with a grain of salt, but ... he said he helped design some sort of holographic interaction interface, and it was meant to have widespread applications, but Stark appropriated it for personal use. Quentin said he got fired because he objected to that... mind you, he wasn't a fairy at the time, so like I said. Grain of salt. Might be worth asking him again how much of that was true, if you feel like it. But ... you're right. No matter how much of it is true, none of it was an excuse for him to do the things he did. He needs to work through all of that himself. The problem is that right now? He's in a place where he doesn't want to.

[he shakes his head, recognizing that Peter is still very raw. no wonder May's death hurt him so much - he'd already lost his uncle, and the man who he'd considered a mentor as Spider-Man.]

I'm sorry if any of that upset you, Peter. I really am. We always want to think the best of the people we love.

[he used to make so many excuses for his fath - oh. Norman winces, realizing he has probably just put his foot in it]

... And he was probably a bit like a father to you, wasn't he? Ugh - ! I'm so sorry, Peter, I wasn't thinking of the whole picture, just one piece where I keep trying to help and failing. This ... this little outing really isn't going the way I envisioned it. How can I make it better?

I'll think about it. Really think about it. [He means that much. He doesn't feel like he would be qualified, but, he can't be the only one trying to help Bavan or the people here.] I want to be sure before I commit to anything.

[He ends up crossing his arms over his chest, biting the inside of his cheek a little harder than he should. There is a relief there and he doesn't quite know how else to quantify it.

He wants to argue, so desperately. He wants to blame Beck as much as he wants to pardon the man. Peter wants to forgive as much as he can.

The conflicting emotions just boil over in his chest as he sucks in a breath.

The distant tang of cooper in the back of his mouth is enough to help him re-center.]

I want him to work on it. I really do, I- I don't want to hear him talk about it! I don't! I know what he's going to say. I don't need Quentin Beck's perspective on Tony.

Do you know how much people talk about Tony? How much they act like they knew him? I can't go anywhere without people telling me about Tony. How much of a hero he was or how much they hated him.

I feel like I didn't even get a chance to know him. I died for five years! I was at his funeral! Tony's wife gave me a- a picture he had of us- a stupid picture we took- I didn't-

[He clutches a little desperately at himself. He's angry as much as he's sad all over again. Fingers find their way into his hair as he closes his eyes, forcing himself to breath.] Its- its fine, I'm sorry, just- give me a second.

Give me a second. I'll be fine.

[He'll always be fine. He has to be.]

cw: vague suicidal idealation

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: mild unintentional self harm